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The Dragula Flyer

BolianAdmiralBolianAdmiral1088 Torrance, CaliforniaPosts: 2,524Member
I found this old parody vignette I wrote in high school. Thought some here might get a chuckle out of it. Enjoy.


By: BolianAdmiral


The senior staff, along with Neelix and Seven of Nine, are all seated around the conference table, eyes to Captain Janeway, as she addresses the group.

“Everyone,” she began “We have a problem. We’re running dangerously low on shuttlecraft, having somehow lost more shuttlecraft than we left DS9 with.”

After a short pause, Tom Paris decides to speak up.

“Captain, I believe I have a solution.” Paris began, picking up a PADD and walking to the wall monitor, pressing some buttons on the PADD, bringing up a rotating schematic of a new shuttle-like vehicle, complete with LCARS callouts, as the image rotated.

Tuvok raised a skeptical eyebrow, wearing a slight look of annoyance.

“Mister Paris… what is… THAT?” He asked.

“The Dragula Flyer!” Paris stated proudly, as the image paused, allowing the crew to get a good look at the “craft”, which resembled a cross between the Munster-Mobile and a Starfleet shuttlecraft.

“Mister Paris…” Tuvok began “I would point out that this… “ship” is an exercise in impracticality. There are flames in place of the Starfleet pennant, which, I would point out, has blood dripping off the tip of the arrowhead.”

“Artistic license, Tuvok!” Paris lamented.

The crew glared at the contraption on the screen, until finally Neelix interjected.

“I, uh… quite like it!” He offered.

“Fascinating.” Tuvok retorted.

“Captain!” The Doctor called out, incredulous “This craft has no holo-emitters on board!”

“Relax, Doctor… I can transfer my medicine wheel to the Dragula Flyer.” Chakotay offered.

“Captain, I believe I can use Borg nanoprobes to increase the medicine wheel’s efficiency.” Seven stated.

Janeway beamed with a big smile as she slapped the table with one hand.

“There you have it, Doctor.” She began “Tom, begin work on the Flyer. B’Elanna… assist him. We can’t put this off any longer… we need a new shuttle, and we need one now. It’s time to pound the pavement, it’s time to beat the meat, it’s time to make the call!”

Finally B’Elanna spoke up.

“Captain… I’m not sure I can complete this project with just myself and Tom.”

“I understand.” Janeway began “Enlist the help of Naomi Wildman… you may also with to consult the Maestro as well as Treevis and Flotter.”

Janeway nodded and smiled as she stood up, everyone except Tuvok following suit, filing out of the room, leaving a dejected Tuvok staring at the image of the Flyer on the screen, as if mocking him.

“Fascinating.” He lamented to himself.


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