I did an effects shot with my tutorial Enterprise to see how it would hold up. I ran through about 5 different major attempts until I came away with something that I thought fit. The key was the lighting. The episode (The Enterprise Incident) is a darker episode and I was missing the fact that even the original effects for this opening shot were darker than normal.
I'm curious to hear your opinions.
https://youtu.be/VpV75QSqAlg
DarkShipwfg02.jpg
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For a darker feel, I'd lower the fill-lighting, move the key-light a bit further behind the Enterprise and make it stronger for more contrast.
To get closer to the original shot you need to add some grain and a longer camera lens (your shot seems too flat).
But you are already much closer to the original shot than the new CBS effects.